Category: Cold Opens

A cold open for the Silicon Valley season four premiere. ERLICH has just purchased Pied Piper for a million dollars and they’re reinventing themselves as a video chat company.

FADE IN

INT – ERLICH’S HOUSE

RICHARD, DINESH, GILFOYLE, and JARED are at their computers. Bachman enters wearing an Indian chief head-dress with way too many feathers on it and audibly clears his throat.

ERLICH

Can I get everybody’s attention please. Now that I’m the primary shareholder of Pied Piper things are going to be a lot different around here. First things first. Everybody will refer to me as “The Chief”. And not the condescending childlike chief, but the deeply respected leader of the tribe Chief like Chief sitting bull or that guy in Pocahontas who everybody respects.

JARED

Oh, Chief Powhatan. He was a deeply powerful and respected warrior.

ERLICH

Exactly. Now second things second. We need to get this product in front of everybody with a laptop. What good is it having the best video chatting utility ever made if nobody knows about it.

RICHARD

I agree, but we just need to keep improving the product and the marketing will happen organically. People will find value in it because it’s a valuable technology. We’re oozing in value. That’s the marketing plan. Ooze value.

DINESH

That’s an interesting head-dress there chief.

ERLICH

Mildly condescending use of “Chief”, but a great complement coming from you.

ERLICH bows at DINESH

DINESH

I’m Pakistani Chief.

ERLICH winces and is increasingly upset.

ERLICH

THAT’S TWO STRIKES. As tradition states, the number of feathers indicates the number of sexual partners that I have encountered. And as you can see here, I have encountered a flocks worth.

RICHARD

You know that you’re not actually the Chief Executive Officer of the company right? Your purchase gave you another vote, but we still have to decide at the next board meeting.

ERLICH

HAH we’ll see about that. Who better than The Chief to lead our humble tribe.

GILFOYLE

Humble indeed chief.

ERLICH

That’s strike THREE!

A toilet flushes and JIAN YANG comes out of the bathroom looking at his phone.

JIAN YANG

No toilet paper chief.

ERLICH

GOD DAMNIT!

OPENING CREDITS

A cold open for The Office season two.

FADE IN

INT. OFFICE – ACCOUNTING AREA

MICHAEL holds a tray of brownies and is persistently trying to get OSCAR to eat one.

MICHAEL

Come on you have to try one! I was up all night making them. Come on come on come on….

OSCAR continues to push MICHAEL away while he pushes a brownie towards his mouth.

OSCAR

No Michael I will not eat or do anything that you say today. Get away from me!

MICHAEL continues to persist aggressively while ANGELA, KEVIN, and others can be heard in the background telling him to stop.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM

Michael has declared today “Extreme prank day”. And we’re all afraid.

INT. OFFICE – ACCOUNTING AREA

MICHAEL is getting upset

MICHAEL

Guys come on, would I put something in the brownies? That would be too easy. Do you really think that little of my pranking skills?

Phillis

Well if there’s nothing wrong with them why don’t you eat one?

MICHAEL

Maybe I will!

Michael picks up a brownie and looks deeply at it, hesitating to eat.

MICHAEL

You know what? I made these for you people. Will you show a little consideration? It would be selfish of me and I’m not selfish. I’m the least selfish man on earth.

Dwight runs over from his desk

DWIGHT

I will eat them Michael. I respect you and your unselfish ways.

Dwight eats the brownies while the entire office silently watches him. Michael tries to hold back laughter.

DWIGHT

Yes I know the brownies were poisoned. Why else would he be giving them to the accounting department? Overstaffed. Luckily I’ve built up an immunity to all common poisons by slowly giving myself larger and larger doses. Michael wouldn’t have access to high end poisons.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

Michael is crying laughing

MICHAEL

He’s going to poop so much.

OPENING CREDITS